How do you handle disappointments? Do you lower your expectations so that you won't be disappointed no more?


The Last and Final Star Search Entry!

I have been quiet for a long while in here. I have so many things to say, yet don't quite know how to say them and can't decide entirely if I want to say them. This is turning out to be a very difficult entry...yet I feel it's only right to have a closing entry to Star Search...and to have a closure for myself.

I held out for a long while when results were announced. I was prepared to be dropped out from the finals, but not entirely. I guess you can never prepare enough for a moment like that. I'm glad I remembered the 'thank you' speech I prepared earlier in my head and thanked almost everyone I wanted to thank in gist. And I'm very glad I kept on smiling. It felt almost surreal...detached... like I was watching my empty smiling self exiting the stage in what I hope was a graceful manner. I kept on that strong shiny armour facade willing myself to be numb and not feel and think with my eyes only brimming up when I spoke to the Elaine the producer of the show. She wanted me to let it out and cry...but I would never have allowed myself to do that..not infront of everyone. The interviews aftermath went by in a blur and the hugs and encouraging words from everyone else again felt surreal - like I know they were talking to me, and the words they were saying were for me, but my mind was a blank and I felt like I was in a silent movie...only willing myself to say 'thank you' and...keep smiling. Very mechanical.

I had a nice send-off to the reception from the team and Andie. It felt very weird. Almost like a send-off to another country... from the 'Star Search World' back to 'Reality' in this case I guess. I can't remember what was said...another silent movie in my head. I only knew...I can't wait to get into mum's car and lose the exterior armour I was trying so hard to upkeep. Stepping into mum's car...I let the floodgates open...quite like a baby really. I can't even really remember when was the last time I cried. My tears dried up quite quickly though - not unusual for me ...me who is never really one to wallow in self pity. And what was left was just a dull aching thud heavy in my heart. The feeling of disappointment - to myself and to everyone else who believed in me. Self-reproach followed suit...I questioned myself hard and long on what I didn't do enough and what else I could have done. It was yet another case of unfinished business.

It's been a week... and it has gotten better. I've stopped blaming myself and I'm looking to moving on. And yet again embracing the idea of 'what's meant to be, will be.' Self-comforting maybe. Many of you may not understand why I'm making this out to be such a big deal...but for those who know me and know the journey that I've taken to come this far here since 6 years ago...yeah you all would know.

And now....for my proper 'Thank yous':-

:My lovely family...Dad, Mum, Sis for the strong support and encouragement you all have given me throughout these many months, for putting up with my silly tantrums when I was stressed and nervous, for telling me I was the best when I didn't believe in myself, for all that cheering, screaming, really really lovely banners during the shows and for the lovely pink surprise at the semis, sis for being my best PR campaign manager....and most importantly, for letting me know that whatever the results, and whatever happened, I would have all of you to come home to...who will still see me for me and love me for me. I love you all.

:The Production Team...Peiqin, Elaine, Jiayi, Qingqi, Meiqing, Ann, Yvonne, Jayine, Fuji...You guys worked your arses off for this Star Search baby. You guys are amazing and I really enjoyed working with all of you. I only hope I had played a small part in making it a success. I hope we'll be able to work together again someday.

:The Publicity People...Lydia, Minshi, Siew Hoon and everyone else...Thank you for all the lovely photos, shoots, exposure and putting up with my 'ang moh' mandarin and many NG takes. ha.

:The Teachers...Hanwei - Thank you for your patience in working with me through the script and for teaching me the rules of the Star Search game. Jalyn - Your teachings, guidance and wise words made me grew immensely as a performer. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Qisheng - Thank you for the lovely piano piece in the first round, and for remininding me to 'feel' the music. Ivan - Thank you for the late night wushu flag trainings and for helping me grasp the fundamentals of that 'darn' flag. haha. :) Zaky and Douglas - Thank you for the patience in turning 'nothingness' to 'something'. Eugene - Thank you so much for all the pointers on the script, acting methods and encouragements.

:The Beauty People: Annie, Terence, Meizhen jie, Dianne - Thank you for all the creativity, inguenity and hard work for dressing me up into characters and in the hopes of looking a bit like a 'star'. Dennis, Huihui, Sonya - All those magical touches to my simple face...to bring out the prettiest of me....thank you. Florence, Evan, Louise - For putting up with my thick, difficult to style hair...I give you all props!

:The Believers: Qingqi - for remembering and never giving up on me after so long. You tried to give me another avenue. Sorry to disappoint! David Gan - You gave me a start and a hope many years back...I'm still trying to walk down the road you envisoned for me many years ago. Dr Georgia - You never stopped believing in me too...I can't say thank you enough. Thank you for making me beautiful and for the f.o.c IPL sessions. Again, I'm sorry to disappoint! :(

:The Luvs: Joseph, Elaine, Derek, Glenda, Jasmine, Brenda, Cecilia, Angelia, Lily, Sandy, Joelle, Alvin, Joanne, Benny, Ezan, Dexter, Emma, Shuzhen, Cindy, Avril, Raj, Kelvin, Peter A, Sandy L, Cheryl, Jeff, Ronnie, Joleen, Jack, Angie, Chee Kiat, Dave, Ben, Grace, Ene's Joseph, Jack L., Fionna, Lebon, Mel, Kenny, Yuqi and loads loads others- You guys have been amazingly sweet and encouraging. Thank you for making all the way to come and watch and thank you for all the lovely messages and calls. You all definitely made this journey beautiful for me. :)

:The Other 19 - Priscilla, Yahui, Yingning, Celia, Kola, Angel, Iren, Tracy, Meiling, Andie, Desmond, Marcus, Weilie, Jackson, Kelun, Haoyi, Haoying, Raynard, Reeve - This journey would not have been almost complete without all of you. Thank you all for all the laughter and tears. I've had an incredible time and I wish you all the very very best in this journey through life. Keep dreaming... You are all dazzling stars in your own right!


還記得小學時,有位老師告訴我:"如果你的心美,人也會一樣的美” ﹣...我一直都把這句話掛在心里.


Shoe-Shopping Day

There is no therapy....like shoe therapy...*wheeeeeeeee*
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different." - Coco Chanel

Thinking Out Loud

Is there a point in working hard when nobody sees it but yourself? Or is it enough knowing full well that you've done your best even if nobody sees it?


Days of Our Lives

I've been hit by a bout of stomach flu after a mixed concoction off too many different types of alcohols and greasy fries on that one fateful night. :( I've been paying the price of that one short night of indulgence...my tummy is refusing to digest anything - except dry wheat crackers and raisin bread. :( All I wanna do is sleep in all day but...there's still a schedule to follow. The semis is only 2 over weeks away after all. Sighhhhh....

8 of us semi-finalists went to Barfly at Clarke Quay for I-Weekly's photoshoot today. The shoot is actually for the final 6 contestants who get into the finals evantually...but due to time constrain and schedules etc etc etc...they have to do the shoot even before the final 6 are chosen. As for the 2 who will be eliminated in this upcoming round....their photos shot today will be shredded to pieces and thrown out of the window. Sigh...the harsh realities of life. Ha. It was a fun shoot anyhows (only wished my tummy would have stopped acting up on me)...very glam...very couture. Interesting concept too. Would love to see the end result in the spread...if I do manage to squeeze myself into the final 6 that is.

Haoyi (the older twin from Taiwan) invited us all over to their place last night and cooked us a really yummy, scumptious dinner. (He's an amazing cook for a 19 year old boy!!) It kinda felt like 'the last supper' because he and his younger twin Haoying left Singapore and headed back home today. Most of the foreign contestants have all gone back to their respective home countries and our original group of 20 has been downsizing rapidly. Again, it was all fun and laughter and a lot of fooling around. I realise that all of us are rather theatrical and '很愛演'. Ha, I guess that's why we are all in 'Star Search'. The camera crew came along to film 'behind the scenes' and they got us talking about our journey so far and our feelings towards it all and each other. This bit got a lot of our eyes all watery because it has been a rather emotional journey for all of us with a lot of ups and downs. But, we all agreed at the end of the day, what was most endearing was the friendships we forged with each other. - Something we never thought would have happened when we started out on this journey. Anyhows, we will all miss you Haoyi and Haoying, and we are missing the rest...Tracy, Reeve, Angel, Kola..as for the other Singaporeans, we look forward to seeing you all every episode. :)

The twins and I (older twin, Haoyi on the left and younger twin, Haoying on the right)

Jiayang and I

The Monkey Tribe

Priscilla, Iren and I

Jayine and I

Yvonne and I

Desmond, Marcus and I

The team behind the show


A Slice of Heaven*


Wedding Bells a-tinkling

My sister's getting married!!! :) After all the break-ups, and ups and downs I've seen her go through over the years, she has finally found 'The One'. And this - 'One' is definitely a very sweet one I must say. :) I fully entrust my dear sister to you! (Not that I had any say in it for that matter..haha) Joe: You had better take really good care of her or I'll...or I'll...beat you to a pulp! Haha...Anyhows, I couldn't help but feel a complete burst of happiness when I received the 'He Proposed!' text message from her. And...he took her on a surprise romantic get-away for the proposal...how sweet. :) Brownie points for you!!

It's so weird that I had a vivid dream about my sister getting married about a month or so before that. I dreamt that I was bawling my eyes out because she was 'leaving' the family and I woke up suddenly with a dull thud in my heart and with fat tears spilling down my face. :) Che, I'm definitely going to miss you lots but I'm really really happy that you have finally found someone to spend the rest of your life with. *muakssssss!!